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A specter wanders among couples: it is the specter of rough sex, of hard, strong, rude, brutal, violent sex. There is spanking, slapping, choking (usually, hands around the throat), gagging (google this one), scratches, bites, heavy words, handcuffs, jerks and many more. amenity, in short, whatever fits the mood: “he does the strong one and she does the weak one”.
It has nothing to do with real bdsm , because here they are a man and a woman having sex, not a master and a slave. Many do, but no one talks about it. But above all, many women over 30 want it, and he doesn’t always understand it. It is understandable: after years of saying that we are equal and violence no, for heaven’s sake, how do you explain it to men that a spanking here, or a slap there can be appreciated?
Then, not everyone has to (or can?) Emulate Rocco Siffredi. So much so that it is these days the news that the porn actor James Deen, often very rough on the set, has been accused of sexual violence by his three colleagues (one of which is his ex-girlfriend). But when hard sex is consenting, so it’s done right, it can be a psychodrama that can rebalance a couple. Who can, at least in bed, re-establish old roles, albeit in a theatrical and forced way, and make you come back to live, even if only for a sweaty half hour, in the gender eldorado (has it ever existed?) In which men were men and women were women.
Why do women like hard sex?
Marcella, a 34-year-old accountant, tells me that things have changed recently: “If a few years ago they had told me that for me the most exciting thing would have been to get slapped while having an oral relationship I would never have believed it. .. “. And Marco, a 44-year-old single, very leftist and very tombeur, agrees: «By now you can’t find one who at least doesn’t want to be spanked. I don’t know what has happened in the minds of you women in recent years, but it is now so ».
Well, it’s not that I’m so sure that we are all there ready to be spanked, but it is undeniable that the sexual fantasy of being taken by force has always been number one for women: it was already talked about in 1973 in the historical My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, the first book that attempted to analyze female desire. Except that in 1973 we weren’t all working. But now yes.
“Today women in the family do everything: they bring the money home and the children to school, they cook and shop”, explains the psychologist and sexologist Francesca Romana Tiberi. «The authority of the male figure is no longer there. We wanted it, for heaven’s sake. But the least this woman’s partner can do in the evening is take over in bed. At least there ».
But if until a few years ago “taking command in bed” meant simply making love with your partner, today instead, to restore the balance of sexual roles (fundamental for there to be desire, because I feel so much more woman the more I am different from you male, it is the polarization of gender identity) just fucking is not enough. Today we have to fuck with arrogance. The crisis of male identity is so profound, with all the hipsterisms of the moment, including glitter beards and cuffed jeans, that to put the + sign in front of the masculinity index, a man must adopt attitudes that were considered years ago unbecoming, but instead today they are the theatrical representation of that lost strength.
When did rough sex go mainstream?
What was the first time we started talking about it? The answer came one day, out of nowhere, while I was tidying up the wardrobe (famously one of my most creative phases): Rocco Siffredi and the famous toilet flush scene. The one in which he has anal intercourse with a woman, he keeps telling her that she is a slut and in the good of her while he puts his head in the toilet bowl and flushes the water. “Rocco was one of the first to introduce rough sex scenes in the hard thanks to John Stagliano, the director who revolutionized porn with gonzo, films with virtually no screenplay shot with the hand-held camera”, confirms Federico Zecca, researcher of porn studies by Dams di Gorizia, author of Porn after porn. Contemporary alternative pornographies(Mimemis). “But we don’t have to think that it was porn that created a need: it’s made to sell, it simply stages what the audience wants. It is true, however, over the years, porn is becoming secular, it is entering the life of a couple. Sexual cultures are being innovated, and today two spanks can be considered normal » . So much so that today Rocco is considered one that understands women, and is totally cleared through customs on TV: after programs such as Rocco thinks about it , the Island of the Famous and Big Brother , Casa Siffredi should leave in January on La5, a reality show about his daily life between family and Hard Academy.
Rocco Siffredi and John Stagliano, or two myths of porn, explain why women like rough sex
“I have been having rough sex for almost 25 years now, and I am convinced that a woman in bed to feel truly female, wants to abandon herself, forget her name and want to feel the strength of a man”, says Rocco Siffredi . «I have known many, and only very few do not respond to these inputs, perhaps because they have had bad experiences. Even professional dominatrixes in real life want a wrist. To do this, however, you must have total self-control and understand who you are in front of. You have to start slowly, look into her eyes, see if she gets aroused, what her body communicates to you.And then grow in intensity. On the set many young actors, as soon as I say “action”, they play violent. I stop shooting, and they tell me: “Rocco, this is your style”. But it’s not at all, and it frustrates me. If you don’t understand what the woman wants, and you only do it your own way, then you are worth nothing. As a man and as an actor ».
Of the same opinion is the director John Stagliano, one of the mammasantissima of porn, owner of Evil Angel, one of the largest producers of adult entertainment in the world:
“For many years I didn’t understand what women really wanted in bed. I thought I was a good guy, sympathetic, but it wasn’t true: I had no pulse. Then when I saw Rocco on stage it was very clear to me: what he experienced with women through rough sex was a very intimate and deep relationship, much more than “normal” sex. If you understand how to use this potential with women, you have a much better chance of getting whoever you want to sleep with. But you must always remember that it is the woman who has the power: she is the one who sets the limits. There must be no violence. Otherwise it’s rape, and it’s all wrong. ‘
What does a hard woman director think
All these speeches make sense and also seem reasonable. But they are made by two men who have worked in porn meant for a male audience all their lives. What does the director Erika Lust think of it , with that Lust Films’ house has been making women friendly porn films for years? “Certainly women are increasingly interested in exploring rough sex. And it is certainly not a degrading practice, indeed it can be great, but it must be consensual. One cannot take you hard without even having the decency to ask if this is how you like it. And then it is wrong to think that everyone likes it: some want to dominate, or rather simply share ».
Now women are demanding hard, naked and raw sex
But Rocco wasn’t the only one working his hips on rough sex. Four years ago there was the worldwide success of the book Fifty Shades of Gray and this year of the film of the same name. It was mistakenly believed that suddenly women had become bdsm fanatics. But the true relationship between master and slave is a very complex thing, made up of rituals, slogans, and sometimes sex doesn’t even exist: slaves, the real ones, are sometimes just happy to be whipped and that’s it. Instead, what the book and film have made mainstream is the idea of ​​the strong man in bed.“A few years after this phenomenon of custom, women have probably internalized it and now they feel more authorized to externalize their desires,” resumes psychotherapist and sexologist Francesca Romana Tiberi. “Now they allow themselves the opportunity not only to consider this fantasy plausible, but also to declare it. Without fear of prejudice. But often men do not catch: crushed by their decision-making woman and routine, they do not move a finger, only to become imaginative with the lover on duty ».
Silvia, 32, a lawyer, says: «It took me a while to have the courage to tell my ex that I wanted a stronger approach from him. And when I did it, when I told him I wanted him to put his hand around my neck while we made love, he called me crazy. I felt like a fool. But then when I cheated on him with someone who understood what I wanted, and he glued me to the wall and spanked me the first time we had sex, I realized I was not an idiot. “
Another sacred monster of contemporary porn writes me from Los Angeles: Joanna Angel, director, actress and producer and founder of BurningAngel Entertainment.
“ Men are confused by the idea of ​​rough sex. They have always been told that raising their hands on a woman is a bad thing, and when they find someone who asks for it, they are disoriented. And then they don’t understand what they have to do: if they are too light she is dissatisfied if they go down hard, she gets angry. In short, when you have rough sex you have to talk, communicate, you really have to try to understand who you are in front of. And not everyone is willing to do it. It can be exhausting for some men. That in the end they prefer to do it normal, without too much effort, and died there ».
Then comes Gabriele, a 38-year-old salesman and he clarifies the concept: «I understand requests, but I don’t feel like getting violent in bed. The truth is, I’m afraid of myself. Because I know that if I start having wild sex like that then I get a taste for it. It is a part of me that is hidden, sometimes I release it when I go with prostitutes. But for the rest I prefer to stay calm, so I don’t have even sentimental problems ».
In short, I don’t want to say, but it turns you around, do you see that in the end the fault is always of the usual male who does not want to test himself? But since you can never tell in sex, and then it can also happen that there are men who don’t like being tough in bed and women who don’t like a strong-willed approach, you don’t lose anything if you try. Like when we were children and we played mum and dad: we used to say that I was the girl, and you were the boy and we went to bed together.
