A few days ago, a tweet that was not even very well written was going around the world. Written in English, a young man gave advice that seemed universal at times, given his journey: “masturbating before going out is an undervalued act but useful to avoid horny acts that we might end up regretting.”
Judging by the more than 20,000 likes it got and the debate it sparked, with hundreds of comments and almost 500 retweets, it would seem that Twitter agreed with him. Those who responded or commented on that phrase, almost unanimously, subscribed to what it said. The idea he expresses fits with phrases also made in Spain, such as that “you shouldn’t go hungry to the supermarket” or “it’s better not to walk around with a loaded gun”.
It is also the technique used by Ernesto, a young nurse from Almería: “If I am going out one night and I notice that I really want sex, masturbating is a good way to relax. I lower my testosterone levels, I’m somewhat more relaxed and, at least, the cravings don’t show on my face”. But science is not so clear that the so-called refraction period, the one that comes just after orgasm and settles in the body for a while, is the most appropriate for making decisions. Nor, of course, that anything that happens before him has to be problematic.
To begin with, and although the tweet was brief, there are several assumptions in it that could be somewhat improved. “Sex may come to direct our behavior, but it is not a necessity. Being aware and responsible for our actions is very important. It in no way depends on how we are physically”, points out Ricardo de Pascual, a doctor in clinical psychology. In his thesis he already studied how somatic factors affected the motivations of the mind. As he recounts, “any state of deprivation can shape our behavior. If we’re hungrier, maybe we’ll eat anything. But it is not easy to apply it to sex. The refraction period does not last that long. If we masturbate at nine at night, that won’t change our behavior at two in the morning at all.”
Second, if we feel that regret that the tweet alludes to, there is something we are not doing right. “Sex has a playful, fun component. The limit is always consent. Sadly, due to moral prejudices, there will always be people who feel guilty after having relationships, even with their long-time partner. There are also those who are embarrassed after ending up in some more sordid situation, such as having sex in a public place. But avoiding facing situations like this by masturbating is a very short-term solution. It is better to put an end to those regrets, even if it takes more work”, says De Pascual.
And the same when we talk about infidelities. Nothing to blame our body, beers or early morning: if a certain agreement does not work, or makes one of its members unhappy, desires will not die at the hands of onanism. “That thinking that we are going to do better by masturbating is very old. People are only going to be faithful if they agree with the couple’s pact that they have established. If we don’t respect the other person, that won’t change because we masturbate a lot”, reiterates this psychologist.
Although there are those who do change entirely from one stadium to another. For Miguel, a twenty-something born in Murcia, one orgasm is enough to turn the agenda around. If it occurs to him to touch himself at some point in the afternoon, it is most likely that he will not go out at night: “As soon as I finish, what I want is to stay at home, watch a movie and order dinner. Any desire I had to go out there passes me. If I have the slightest intuition that I can end someone at some point, I avoid masturbating because I know that later I will not want to make any more plans.
Your case may seem extreme, but it has some basis in science. “After orgasm, the brain secretes endorphins and the body reaches a certain well-being. We are even conquered by a certain drowsiness. Sex involves a great expenditure of energy and our body does not want to spend it in vain, just when it is still replenishing its semen reserves. There are animals that run away from their partner as soon as they finish”, says Ignasi Puig Rodas, sexologist and couples therapist. Now, he insists that such a physiological ingredient is just a grain of sand when it comes to human desire. Because Rodas also reiterates, as requested by De Pascual, that there is no irrepressible force of nature in sex.
It’s not just a male affair
In fact, judging by the responses to the aforementioned tweet, anyone would say that it was addressed only to men. When talking about the refraction period, many times, one also thinks of males, who have freed themselves from the sperm and have satisfied their instinct to preserve the species. Perhaps for this reason, De Pascual is very insistent on one point: the way in which men and women relate to sex is very different, but not for biological reasons, but for cultural ones. “There are guys who still believe that being very excited, or drunk, means that someone has to please them,” he laments. And Tere, a 34-year-old from Galicia, adds: “Sex is not part of my expectations, whether I go out to dance or on a date. There is no quota that I have to satisfy, so I don’t have to take it full from before either. If he saw me nervous he would try to relax, and perhaps giving me that pleasure was a way to do it. But I could also look for that peace with a walk or painting my nails”.
In any case, and as long as we keep sovereignty in mind, we shouldn’t be ashamed of inhabiting different feelings before and after sex. “We wouldn’t blame anyone for feeling more like eating when they’re hungry than when they’re not, right? Why, when it comes to sexual pleasure, do we claim that consistency?” Rodas points out. As an example, he recalls a study whose participants were asked to drink a lot of water. His state of mind and his way of treating people was very different before and after going to the bathroom. Until they managed to urinate, the responses were short and dry. His willingness to have some gesture of courtesy with others, nil. One might think, therefore, that the moment of the day in which we most resemble ourselves is the one in which we see ourselves free from all physical tensions.
Again, Rodas does not see it so clearly: “There is little advice that is valid for everyone. When we are focused on achieving something, which can be sex or anything else, we tend to lose our side gaze. We focus on what we want and stop looking around. Once the objective is achieved, we remember everything that we had previously discarded. If we have extended the night more than necessary, or feel that we have spent a lot of money on drinks, it may later seem to us that we have given excessive importance to sex. As this expert assures, neither of the two states of mind has to be better than the other. Antonio would think something like that, who lived with his partner in a small apartment in the capital. It took him weeks to gather the strength to leave him. When he finally got it, and they had a long and dramatic discussion, they ended up back in bed. They became so relaxed that they stayed together for three more years.
Which of the two moments to make a decision was the correct one and why were they so different? “Both. If the three years of tipping were happy, staying and listening to that other voice was fine. Sometimes, after announcing that we are leaving a job, we have to spend a few more weeks working in the same place. Well, during that time it is very difficult for us to always maintain the same opinion. And even more so when we go to the office free of all the tensions and worries that previously chained us to it”, points out Rodas.
Because the specific relaxation that can come after sex can help us with some things, but take us away from others. “Within respect, anything goes. There are those who prefer to leave home loaded because they believe that this way they will have more desire to party, that they will launch themselves to try new things. If they get to know themselves better, that’s fine. What’s more, they may even overcome some of their own prejudices about what they consider beautiful and pleasant. Now, if to attend to our desires we see ourselves justifying ourselves a lot, like that day we got drunk or were very horny, that’s not the case. Once again, we have to work and accept ourselves as we are, because no wish should hurt us so much”, says De Pascual. In addition to his work as a psychologist, he is a professor at the European University of Madrid.