When one member of the couple presents a more accentuated sexual desire than the other, conflicts and discrepancies may appear. We show you how to deal with this situation.
Sexual relations within a couple constitute a moment of exchange, connection and mutual satisfaction that strengthens the bond. However, when both members do not agree on the frequency with which to maintain relationships, disputes and conflicts may arise that end up affecting the quality of the relationship. Therefore, we want to explain how to address differences in sexual desire.
Many couples face this situation for years. One of them feels rejected because the other declines many of his sexual advances; while the other party feels harassed and persecuted.
Thus, both are frustrated and dissatisfied and it is easy for them to enter into a negative dynamic that tends to perpetuate itself over time. Identifying the underlying reasons and acting to bring positions closer is essential in these situations.
What are the differences in sexual desire in the couple?
Sexual desire is a matter that can vary significantly from one individual to another. Thus, there are those who give this area crucial importance and those who feel practically no interest in it.
In general, most couples consider that sexuality is one of the important points on which the relationship rests. The problem arises from the different definitions that both members have of this.
It is natural that sexual desire is predominant during the first months or years of courtship and that it decreases or stabilizes as the relationship consolidates. However, at this point, everyone’s needs are different, and if they differ too much, they can cause a problem.
To measure the differences in sexual desire in the couple, the mismatch effect can be used. Thus, both have to value, on a scale from 0 to 5, the frequency with which they would like to have sex, with 0 being “ less than once a month ” and 5 “ every day ”. The difference is obtained from the subtraction of their scores.
What are these differences in sexual desire due to?
Differences in sexual desire can have various origins. It is not simply the whim of each person. There are multiple variables that must be considered.
As we have discussed, each person can have a different level of sexual desire and that is okay . In addition, depending on the circumstances, this may vary. For example, in stages of high stress or in the face of physical discomfort.
If one of the members of the couple has sexual dysfunctions (such as dyspareunia or erectile dysfunction, among others), it is normal for their interest in sex to be affected.
Mistaken beliefs and insecurity
Taboos, myths and dysfunctional beliefs about sexuality can prevent it from being fully enjoyed and, therefore, lower sexual desire. The same happens if the person presents personal insecurities or regarding her physique.
Conflicts in the couple
When there are frequent tensions, fights, reproaches or disagreements between the couple , intimacy is affected.
Different circadian rhythms
There are slight variations in the circadian rhythm of each person, causing some to be more diurnal and others more nocturnal.
Thus, one of the members of the couple may be more active and present a greater sexual desire in the morning and the other towards the end of the day , which can lead to a disagreement.
We cannot forget that if sexual relations are not satisfactory, it is likely that the person’s interest in practicing them will be drastically reduced.
When differences in sexual desire are present for a long time, a dynamic is established that increasingly distances both positions. Whoever plays the role of “hunter” tends to be more and more insistent and whoever plays the role of “prey” can generate more and more rejection towards sexual intercourse.
How to address the differences in sexual desire in the couple?
To address the differences in sexual desire in the couple, it is important to identify the underlying factors and act to solve them. For example, it may be necessary to receive professional help to change wrong beliefs, to work on insecurities, or to treat sexual dysfunctions.
In addition, it is essential to improve the quality of the couple bond in an integral way : reducing conflicts, improving communication and making the relationship emotionally nourishing for both.
On the other hand, a general recommendation is to try to find a middle point regarding the frequency of sexual intercourse with which both people feel comfortable. However, some studies have found that couples who have sex at least once a week feel more satisfied with their relationship. Therefore, it may be more positive to work on improving the low libido of one of the members .
To achieve this last objective it is important that the couple dedicate time to cultivate intimacy ; that the moments and spaces in which to be alone increase, not necessarily having sex, but dedicating mutual attention and sharing. This will favor emotional closeness and the chances that the desire arises more often.
In addition, it is essential that sexual assertiveness be worked on . Both people must be able to express what they expect, what they want, what they like and how they like it. In this way, it is possible to increase trust and complicity and obtain more satisfactory sexual relations for both. At the end of the day, it’s not just about the frequency but also the quality of the experience.
A new dynamic
The goal is that they can abandon the roles of “the person who always asks” and “the person who always refuses.” Rather, the goal is to stop viewing sexuality as a source of anxiety and conflict and start viewing it as an opportunity to connect and please each other.
At times, this transition can be difficult to make. Therefore, if your partner resents the differences in sexual desire, do not hesitate to consult a specialist.