It is not said that love is over, it could simply be the passing of the years that has caused boredom and habit to take over.

Do you and your partner no longer indulge in intimate moments? Try to rekindle the passion through better communication and greater attention to detail.

Passion and desire over the years

Stress, habit or fatigue are all factors that can weigh on the relationship . The negativity that often comes from the outside is vented in the home where, over the months and years, it can turn into a poison for the relationship. This attrition can also seriously affect the couple’s sexual sphere , causing a decrease in desire on one or both sides. For this reason, some people get caught up in doubt and suffering for fear that their partner does not want them anymore and this can further worsen the relationship, causing it to fall into a vicious circle.

In order to lift the relationship and rediscover the passion it is necessary to understand if you are still attracted to your partner and, at the same time, try to pay more attention to details and experiment new things. Don’t be scared. It is not said that love is over, it could simply be the passing of the years that has caused boredom and habit to take over. Remember that communication is essential in these moments, without letting go of recriminations.

Intimacy, passion and desire in the couple: the study

Some recent studies have shown just this: implementing receptive and sensitive behaviors towards the long-term partner can help to foster sexual understanding and rekindle passion , both in men and women, particularly if these attitudes are aimed at underline how special and exclusive the relationship you are experiencing is.

One of these studies was carried out in 2016 by Birnbaum, professor of psychology at the Interdisciplinary Center in Herzliya, Israel and then published in the Journal of personality and Social Psychology.

In this study, three experiments were carried out to verify whether the receptivity and sensitivity in a partner, that is a partner who knows how to recognize the desires and needs of the other also on a sexual level and who therefore feels loved, valued and supported, can increase the intimacy and therefore also favor the increase of sexual desire .

153 volunteers between the ages of 20 and 40 were recruited to perform this 3-part study. The three types of situations studied were:

  1. Discuss a current problem with your partner (without letting them know that they are in an experiment) and, depending on the case, respond either with positive behaviors or with arguments to support and validate the partner or with negative behaviors. In this first case, the results seemed to show that women had experienced greater sexual desire when there was a positive or supportive interaction, while in men there was no change in sexual appetite depending on the response, suggesting that men are less dependent on intimacy than women.
  2. The second experiment was the same as the first, but involved face-to-face interaction, so that the non-verbal communication of couples could also be studied. The results marked the same conclusions of the first experiment, adding in women a greater presence of non-verbal behaviors of intimacy towards those partners with whom they had received a positive interaction.
  3. In the latest experiment, 100 couples were involved in their natural environment for six weeks. During this period the volunteers had to describe on a daily basis the quality of interactions in the context of the couple and if they felt considered by their partner. This last experiment highlighted how in the long run, for both men and women , feeling the other as understanding, positive and well disposed towards themselves and their needs, increased both sexual desire and feeling of esteem and value between the two partners.

This study highlighted how understanding, validation, positive and supportive behaviors, listening and emotional support, closeness and affection lead to rekindling passion and awakening sexual desire , precisely because in the eyes of the couple they give a vision of value, sharing and exclusivity, understood in the broad sense of the term, which make the relationship special and worthy of being carried on.

8 tips to awaken desire

We have already seen that sexual desire does not derive from the act itself, but from a more general context that includes the partner’s vision, his behavior, how much we feel valued and involved, but also from everyday aspects and habits that tend to dampen creativity and seductive attitudes. For this reason, if in a general context it is essential to work on communication, on intimacy and on the enhancement of the relationship and of the partners involved, in the short term we can try to implement small tactics to awaken creativity and sensuality! Let’s see some tips that can help rekindle the flame of passion in everyday life.

1. Talk about the loss of desire

Communication is essential in the couple and talking about doubts and worries too, because it leads the other to realize what is happening. Maybe talking about it you will find that the partner feels the same thing, making you feel more accomplices and intimate.

2. Flirt and play


Play and flirting are the basis of seduction and must often be revived to rekindle the passion. Just bring some of your sex appeal back into play, between looks and seduction , reserving an evening or a special moment for the couple.

3. Don’t wait for your partner

This advice actually hides two tips: the first concerns the fact that sometimes resorting to auto -eroticism can be useful for both men and women, to reduce stress or worries. The second piece of advice has to do with the fact that you shouldn’t always wait for the other to take the initiative , but sometimes you can throw yourself in or create the right conditions.

4. Take your time

Daily commitments, fatigue, laziness tend to constantly invade the intimate and emotional sphere, so much so that it is often set aside in favor of something else. Instead, it is important to carve out a space for the couple, such as one evening a week dedicated to intimacy, sex, communication or a dinner out, but which sees the couple at the center. Putting dates and times will not be very romantic, but it is the best way not to ignore taking care of something.

5. Promote intimacy

Desire is not only given by the sexual act itself, but also by the context, by seduction, by intimacy and by complicity. For this reason , in order to revive desire, it is very often also important to carry out other activities together , such as cuddling, increasing physical contact, kissing, increasing closeness. But also carry out activities or projects together to increase the degree of involvement of the couple and the harmony.

6. Remember the past

At the beginning of a relationship, one usually tends to be more sexually active and to discover many things about the other from this point of view. Try to remember these moments, what the other liked and what you miss. You could also try to communicate it to the other and maybe pick up where you left off!

7. Change your approach

Obviously, after a long time, even sexuality can become less attractive if the same patterns are repeated over and over. Try to get out of your routine and maybe try something new. This does not mean doing crazy things, but simply facing things from another point of view or in another way.

8. Leave the house

The more one grows and the more and more often the house begins to represent one’s own nest but also the responsibilities, the family, the commitments. And that’s not good for sexuality. A date away from home, a trip, a special event that makes you take a breath of lightness and revive sensuality (both personal and as a couple) can certainly help intimacy and increase sexual desire.

Awaken sexual desire in men and women

Arousing sexual desire in men and women does not always depend on a couple matter. They exist in moments in the life of each of us, in which sex takes on a secondary value compared to what we are experiencing.

If these periods do not last too long but are in fact periods, there is no need to worry about them you have to leave the body and mind the way to get used to the changes and accept them, and then return to a healthy sex life.

It is true that there are also disorders related to the lack of libido in both men and women, so it is always important in the case of a prolonged malaise to ask for help from a specialist, but in the case of short periods linked to well-defined circumstances it is important to live this moment. with serenity and communicate it with your partner, to be able to overcome this moment together without feeling guilty or forced to do something and without believing that the relationship is going to pieces.

Let’s look at some stages in the lives of men and women that could alter our sexual desire.

Sexual desire in women

In a person’s life there are several moments in which one passes through phases of sexual silence, or moments in which one does not feel the desire to make love. The causes can be contextual, from stress to moments of couple crisis, to physical or situational changes, but also hormonal deficiencies or events of a certain physical and emotional impact in a woman’s life, such as pregnancy and menopause.

In particular, at these moments in a woman’s life there are physical, mental and hormonal changes that can put a person’s sex life in turmoil. For example, during pregnancy, changes in the body, attention paid to the fetus and the child, psychological changes could temporarily make the desire to make love with one’s partner pass (but it is not a fixed rule, it can also happen opposite). Normally these moments tend to pass by themselves and little by little and the sexual desire returnsto spontaneously. But if this is not the case or if the situation creates discomfort or is associated with other problems, such as a couple crisis, trauma or deep problems, it is always better to contact a specialist who can help us.

In any case, the importance of talking openly with your partner and without taboos always remains , so that they can understand and stay close to them at any time they are experiencing (and even in this case if they do not understand it, couples therapy can always be useful. ally).

Sexual desire in men

Man also goes through moments of decreased sexual desire and even in this case they can be caused by changes in life and physique, stress, boredom, worries or lack of time. (Hormonally, humans tend to be more stable, although hormonal changes exist throughout a man’s life that increase or decrease sexual appetite, but these are long-term changes.) Some of the more common causes that tend to decrease sexual desire in a man are:

  • work stress and fatigue
  • Physical and contextual changes
  • Boredom and lack of communication in the couple
  • Reward quantity instead of quality
  • Loss of erotic affinity

There are obviously cases in which the lack of libido is due to physical and psychological disorders with a deeper component: in these cases it is always better to contact a specialist to be able to deal with the problem together. If instead it were a momentary lack of passion, to awaken the desire of a man, as well as for the woman, it is important to rediscover intimacy and communication with the partner, both in the long term and in everyday life, trying to create new habits that can bring new complicity, seduction and creativity to the couple.

Communication and routine

We have already seen that in most dated couples the sexual desire vanishes due to less intimacy, which also includes less communication, and due to everyday commitments and responsibilities, which take away creativity, time and energy from the sexual sphere. . Even if they seem obvious, it is important to take care of these aspects in order not to wreck your relationship

Communicate and talk with your partner

Not talking about your desires can only be harmful to the couple and to the intimate sphere.

Have you ever wondered why your sexual relationships have gradually diminished and become increasingly unsatisfactory? Lack of time? Stress? Little interest? The answer may be the key to solving the problem.

In addition to speaking, it can be very helpful to express what you want through body language and other elements or “tricks”. Music, games, clothing: everything can be useful to get out of the routine and find some new things. Between family, work and other commitments it is essential to carve out time for the couple, for example through a weekend alone at home or out of town. The important thing, after talking, is not to get too caught up in rationality but rather to let yourself go to your desires , trying to communicate to the other what we like most. Not only the right place or clothing is enough but it is necessary to try to find that lost understanding . For this, it is useful to get out of the box andsurprise your partner .

Taking care of the relationship to fight boredom and monotony

Monotony can be unavoidable even for the most close-knit couples.

It is also important to return to take care of yourself , not only to please your partner more but above all to feel good. Often family life tends to make us less attentive to our well-being and this situation also affects desire. Start playing sports , change your look, unleash your creativity through a new hobby. Getting out of the routine is useful not only for yourself but also for the couple. Start doing new projects together, such as a long-desired trip or a dance class. Go back to dreaming together , not everything has already been done or said.

If these small tricks are not enough, there could be deeper problems, in addition to the sexual one, in the couple. For this it can be useful to start a couple therapy and / or get help from a sexologist.

If you want to receive more information on the subject, you can consult our list of experienced couples therapy professionals.

The information published by GuidaPsicologi.it does not in any case replace the relationship between patient and professional. GuidaPsicologi.it does not apologize for any specific treatment, commercial product or service.

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