What is the first thing you think of when your partner rejects you and tells you that they don’t feel like having sex? The most common is to tell us that you no longer want us, but there are still more effects. They are next.

Have you ever experienced a sexual rejection? Sometimes we imagine what that encounter is going to be like, we fantasize about it, and we take it for granted that the experience will be sublime, magical, and satisfying. Now, the fact that our partner looks at us with apathy and reluctance commenting that “it’s better not now” is undoubtedly a hard blow, a disappointment and even a scratch for self-esteem.

It hurts, it’s true. Because all forms of rejection generate pain as well as an alert signal to the brain that warns that something is happening. When this refusal comes from the affective and sexual level, the restlessness is deeper and awakens a large number of conflicting sensations and sharp emotions. ” Don’t you want me anymore?”, “Have I done something?”, “Is it that you don’t love me anymore?”

Having a partner means for many assuming that receptivity is always present and that desire is almost like a source of combustion that never goes out. And yet it happens.

Sometimes there is no desire. Sometimes the worries of life, routine or other factors reduce the desire. However, that this does not happen does not mean in all cases that love has fled forever out the window…

Sexual rejection

If we ask ourselves how sexual rejection affects us, it should be noted that there are still deeply rooted stereotypes and false beliefs in the popular mentality. There are many who think that “men are always in the mood, therefore, they will never reject a proposal” . However, it happens and there are many women who get a refusal at some point from their partners.

It is also said that when they are the ones who avoid sex, they do not feel very hurt. It is assumed in this general inventory that sex for men is only a way to obtain physical pleasure . This reasoning is part of the so-called theory of masculinity , according to which their need for sex responds only to mere pleasurable reasons and rarely due to an emotional connection with their partner.

Obviously, assuming this is little more than nonsense. For men it is not just a small disappointment. Just like for women, it is not a simple disappointment, something that one forgets after a while with a chocolate ice cream and the next chapter of her favorite series.

Feeling rejected sexually hurts physically and psychologically. There are effects, there are sequels and consequences for that affective relationship.

It’s not that my partner doesn’t “want sex”, it’s that my partner “doesn’t want me”

If we ask ourselves how sexual rejection affects us, we can first distinguish two aspects. It is not the same to suffer that rejection from that couple with whom we have been with for 1, 6 or 20 years than from someone who only seeks occasional sex . To understand it better, we can make an appointment through an application with someone whose profile attracts us. However, when meeting with that person, the appointment does not go particularly well and we are rejected.

We will feel upset and upset. We may experience a certain condition. However, most likely after a few days, we will try again looking for another possible partner in those applications. On the other hand, if we have a stable partner, sexual rejection is experienced with another magnitude, with another significance.

In both men and women, this refusal is not interpreted simply as ” good, you don’t feel like sex today, that’s okay .” The first thing that comes to mind is ” my partner doesn’t want me . This thought arises in both the male and female brains, because in both genders the fact that the loved one does not want to enjoy that moment of intimacy is experienced with disappointment and surprise.

The fear of no longer being the object of desire is the most recurring idea.

The effect on self-esteem

It is not the same that they reject us once than several. The fact that our partner does not feel like sex at some point is understandable. We let it go because we can understand it. Fear comes when that rejection is repeated on more occasions, when the frequency with which we have sexual intercourse decreases.

In these latter cases, both men and women experience a blow to their self-esteem. Few acts are the pure expression of physical desire for the other and the validation of love and deep affection like sex. If this fails and the other person does not want it, everything is in doubt, everything is teetering on an emotional tightrope. We feel rejected and all rejection is a blow to self-esteem.

Mood swings, emotional ups and downs

The way in which sexual rejection affects us is almost always translated into an emotional alteration. What we lack in bed impacts daily life. Rejection creates a persistent void through which our motivation, security and well-being escape.

It is common to experience mood swings, emotional ups and downs , feel that we have less and less patience with things… And all of this affects the relationship, especially if the rejection is continuous.

Studies like the one carried out at the University of Toronto by Dr. James King, for example, show us in a study that the lack of sex in a relationship is one of the main triggers for breakups.

After all, with this act we are not looking for just a moment of pleasure. It is a language with which to express feelings, it is a pillar with which we feel validated and it is, in turn, a haven of intimacy between two people. If this is missing without us knowing very well why, almost everything falls apart.

How does sexual rejection affect us? With physical and emotional pain

Rejection hurts almost as much as physical pain . We are not saying it, it is endorsed by a study carried out at the University of Michigan by Dr. Ethan Kross. The brain interprets this type of situation in the same way as a blow or a burn.

That is, the experience of receiving a refusal from a loved one, feeling how they reject us or leave us aside, activates the same brain regions as when we receive a physical impact. This explains why after these situations we feel more tired, dull and even have discomfort in various parts of the body. Other consequences that we can find are:

  • Resentment towards your partner . Another frequent sequel that some assume after a sexual rejection is an attitude of resentment towards the partner. It will seek to pay with the same currency in a subsequent action.
  • Doubts about the love of your partner. Although some relate the rejection only from the sexual point of view (that is, with dissatisfaction in bed), others transfer their reasons to the relationship in general. You may come to think that your partner no longer loves you, that he is feeling doubts about it or that he is even being unfaithful.
  • Hostile behaviors. Hostile reactions are also relatively common in response to sexual rejection. Researchers have found that men more often take this attitude, one that can even go as far as physical aggression. On the contrary, women tend to express feelings of guilt (they have been rejected for something they have done or do wrong).
  • Ideas about ending the relationship. The researchers point out that  changes in sexual satisfaction lead to overall partner dissatisfaction , so you may also be thinking about ending the relationship. According to some experts, people tend to overestimate the impact of sexual rejection when intimate encounters are infrequent.

The way in which sexual rejection affects us is orchestrated by intense emotions. Therefore, if we are experiencing this situation right now, there is something essential: knowing what is happening. The lack of sex in a couple can be explained by multiple reasons, issues that we can always resolve with confidence and together. Communication in these cases is essential . Let’s keep that in mind.

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